Final Pictures of Josh

I did it! I did it! There is more than one way to skin a cat. These pictures were taken about 36 hours before Joshua passed away. They were taken by a kind woman from an organization called "Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep". These pictures are offered to parents free of charge if their child is not expected to survive. They also take pictures of children after death if that is what the parents want. Neither Les nor I wanted pictures after death. I mostly wanted these pictures because I wanted something else to remember besides all the tubes and bandages and machines. I was frantic to get pictures after the Dr's pulled the life support off Josh but all we were able to get were a few quick snapshots where both Les and I were crying. They were so sad, these pictures, I felt horrible these would be Josh's final pictures. I am so appreciative of this organization for giving me this gift. I am sure there will be tons of blessings for these brave men and women who take these types of pictures all the time. I don't think I would be that brave. I would cry too much.

Love You All,
Hang in there everyone and remember God is in charge.
Lora

I got a package in the mail today. It was a CD of the pictures taken of Joshua, Les and I on the 11th of March. They did not upset me as much as I thought they might. Let's just see if I am smart enough to get them posted here. Well there's one so far. Hmmmm!!

Drug of choice

I have noticed a pattern throughout the past 5 weeks. Les and I would pray every day, sometimes 3 times a day and then one day we would forget or just feel so discouraged or exhausted we would just let it slide. On the days we prayed things were mostly calm, not always, but most of the time things were at least bearable. Even though we do not say to many prayers as a couple anymore, I try to remember to say my own personal prayers. When I forget or just have a sour attitude about life and ignore the promptings, I feel less put together. I feel more pessimistic and a lot more sad. When I pray regularly, I feel this calm I now recognise as the Spirit, or the Holy Ghost. I have decided this is my drug of choice. I am addicted to the calm feelings the spirit provides me with. As long as I choose to stay in contact and chose not to shut Him out, I feel like I have a handle on things in my life. I think more clearly, and I am more likely to be in tune when someone needs my help. Helping people makes me feel good about myself and about life in general. Pretty sad that it takes the loss of a loved one to really drum this simple concept into my head, but I am grateful I am finally on the right page and I think even the Bishop will be OK with this particular addiction.
A lot of things I will write on this blog will be things I am learning through the trials of my life. I remember the lessons I learn much better and I understand them more when I am able to write them down. This is, however, meant to be therapy for me, and hopefully helpful for anyone else who struggles with thick headedness as I do. You are not alone. I guess I should say I hope I am not alone in this lack of ability to learn the lessons of life the easy way.

Love You All
Lora

Death Cirtificate

I went down to the funeral home to get Joshua's death certificate today. I was worried I might fall apart when I read it. It didn't faze me, which is weird. It is interesting to me this grieving process. You never know from day to day how you will react and to what. I feel fine and positive for a day or two and then for a day I feel like I get slammed to the mat again and again. It is hard to think, breathe, or function. The pain can be searing and almost disabling at times. Then the next day, it is like none of the emotional beating has occurred. I am going to try and add the video of pictures the bishop created for us to play at the funeral. Bishop did a great job and, even though it can be hard to watch sometimes, it is also something I will always cherish. I am sure I will go to this video when I am missing my sweet boy. The date is supposed to be 2009 and this will be fixed as soon as we get a recording of "Darling Son" and the Bishop redoes the video.
I was able to get Sam an appointment in Salt Lake on April 1 for a surgery consultation.